Merry Christmas....and a Wonderful 2012!

Today is a quiet day, an extra day of feeling good this cycle.  I will be getting my 6th infusion tomorrow and it should be the last of the "bad ones"...I still have to receive Herceptin every 3 weeks for another 9 months but I am told there should be no bad side effects and that my hair will start to grow back.  I have such mixed feelings about tomorrow - I am anxious to get it behind me, start feeling bad for a couple of weeks but know that it is the LAST TIME!  But the last cycle was really tough - I am told some of the side effects are cumulative so I am scared of the next 2 weeks.  But I have gotten through the last 4 months...what is 2 weeks more :).

Mike, Scott and I had a nice Christmas.  It was low-key and that was just fine for this year.  On Christmas Eve we had dinner with Mike's brother Rich and his wife Pat.  It was a wonderful dinner and the company was exceptional! :)  We went to the 7pm service at church on the way home and spoke to Matt when we got home.

Christmas morning was wonderful as well.  Presents, Norwegian waffles for breakfast (a long-standing tradition) and an hour+ with Matt and Steph on the webcam!  Not quite as good as being together but traveling between Seattle and Pennsylvania at this time of year is not something any of us want to do!  Lots of phone calls to family.  It was a really nice day!

2011 has been such an eventful year.  We traveled for the beautiful weddings of my nieces in January and May.  We helped Mike's mother get ready to sell her home in Florida in April.  We got together with all Mike's siblings in June to go through lots of stuff and wonderful memories.  And in July I got my breast cancer diagnosis.  The surgery and treatment has become all-consuming for the last 6 months and 2012 represents getting back to some semblence of normal life.  I am looking forward to returning to my job as part-time church secretary in mid-January.  I have a sisters' trip with Nancy planned and reserved for May.  I have projects in the house that I am anxious to get to - even "bottom-cleaning" the house with Mike this winter (the house has really been neglected for the last few months).  God has had me in his grip throughout 2011 - with wonderful celebrations and some of the hardest months of our lives.  And I know I will continue to be in his grip in the New Year as well!

5 Down, 1 to Go!

I had my fifth chemotherapy treatment on Monday.  Today I had my second red blood cell transfusion - 6 hours and boring!  Since I involuntarily became an experienced chemo patient, I know what to expect.  Week 1 and 2  of each chemo cycle are tough but week 3 of each cycle is pretty good - taste returns to near normal and energy improves.  It is an interesting feeling going for each treatment.  Someone asked if I dread it - not really.  I certainly don't look forward to the side effects that will inevitably come but each time I go for a treatment, I have one less to go through and that is very good.each cycle

I realized yesterday that one of the things I need is to feel in control in some way.  I couldn't control getting breast cancer but I could control how I react to it.  I can't control the side effects of the chemotherapy but I can try to control how I handle them.  It is hard to not get in a "funk" (as evidenced by my previous post) but I can try.  Mike says I am a really good patient, doing everything I have to do.  I don't really feel I have a choice but I have managed to stay healthy, stay on top of my assorted meds and rest as much as I can.  It helps to feel like I can control this much.

Thanksgiving was quiet but nice.  We talked with family on the phone and had a nice turkey roast dinner together.  Christmas is coming soon - thank goodness for online shopping :).  I am definitely cutting back - energy levels and money are not what they were - but I truly love the shopping that I can do.  What I feel the worst about though for this holiday season is that we are not having the big Picioccio Xmas !  We are getting together with Rich and Pat on Christmas Eve afternoon and that will be wonderful but it is not the same as the loud, fun, crowded gatherings of past years.  My chemo cycle and assorted work schedules made it impossible for this year but we definitely need to make a point of renewing our gatherings next year.

One of the interesting things I realized as I typed this blog is that this holiday season is very different for me.  I guess because I can't do that much, my focus is different. I am thinking more about family and their love and prayers for me and mine for them.  My young nieces and nephews have so much going on in their lives and they are always in my prayers.  God is watching over our whole family and I am so much more aware of this this year.  I know good things come from everything and I really feel like these last 5 months have shown me how much I have to be grateful for.

Chemo Really Sucks!

I haven't blogged in almost 3 weeks - one entire cycle.  I am firmly entrenched in the midst of the chemotherapy.  It feels like it has been going on forever and yet I have just passed the mid-point.  And it is really affecting me at this point.  The physical side effects are always there - the bad taste that makes eating anything extremely difficult that lasts from day 2 to day 12; the intestinal issues and pain and diarrhea that last for over 2 weeks each cycle, the fatigue that just gets worse and worse, the hair loss that still shocks me each time I pass a mirror, the constantly runny eyes and nose (which now has become a bloody nose) and most recently the loss of my eyelashes.  I can't wear make-up anymore because it make my runny eyes even worse.  And I hate wearing a wig - even though everyone tells me it looks good, I feel very self-conscious in it.  And of course the "fake boobs" are heavy and not the most comfortable item to wear either.

When I had infusion #3 on October 24th, my blood work showed that my hemoglobin was very low, making me quite anemic.  Knowing that future infusions would probably make this worse, I was sent for a transfusion.  On Thursday, October 27th, I was at Holy Spirit Hospital for 6 hours to receive 2 units of packed red blood cells.  My wonderful sister Nancy was with me the whole time. My blood was checked a few days later and the hemoglobin was in the normal range.  I wonder if this will happen again before I finish the chemo.

Nancy's visit ended with the surprise October snowstorm.  She was scheduled to fly out of Baltimore on Saturday morning but, with the forecast of 6-10 inched of snow, she changed her ticket Friday morning and flew home Friday night.  I had a great time with her!

This is the end of my "good week" but it is not as good a week as the last cycle and I suspect that will be the case next time.  I am having a harder and harder time keeping a positive outlook and have definitely been having a "pity party" for myself.  I have had more tears this week than I have had this whole time.  I wonder if this "funk" that I feel is somewhat normal for this point in the process - enough chemo to feel really crappy but still pretty far from the end. 

Monday is my 4th TCH infusion.  I know enough now to be able to plan out my time based on how I will probably feel.  Mike, my "rock", will be with me and  that makes it so much less stressful.   I realized this weekend that I feel better - and calmer - with Mike at home.  Not feeling great for so long has me feeling very vulnerable.  With Mike here, I am so much more comfortable.  Reminding myself that I am in God's grip is also a constant for me - and brings peace to me even in the midst of a "pity party."

Note:  As I said when I started writing this blog, I siad that it was primarily for me - trying to keep track of this journey through breast cancer.  I realize that this posting is more of a downer than others but that is where I am right now and I want to stay true to my purpose.

Almost Halfway Done...

It is Sunday evening.  Tomorrow I receive my 3rd TCH chemotherapy infusion.  I will receive a total of 6 TCH infusions so after tomorrow I will be halfway done.  I am so anxious to get there tomorrow and get to that 50% goal.  My sister Nancy is visiting me this week.  She arrived yesterday and will be here until next Saturday.  This weekend I have been feeling really good.  Yesterday we went out and did some shopping and today we went to the local casino (broke even - not bad!).  Tomorrow she will take me to the oncologist and will be with me this week as the side effects kick in and I start feeling "not so great."  She asked me tonight if I was dreading getting the chemo tomorrow.  No, like I said above, I am anxious to get it to get one closer to the end.  Then she asked if i am dreading the side effects, the intense fatigue and the painful intestinal issues.  Actually, no I am not.  I know that is part of the process and again, it will be one less "sucky week and a half" that I will have to go through before the tough part of the chemo is over.

I have started having some new constant side effects in the last 10 days.  My nose runs "like a faucet" and my eyes tear a great deal.  From what I have read on the online message boards, these are expected and in fact, the runny nose may be from the Herceptin and, if that is the case, will continue for almost the next year.  These are annoying issues but totally manageable.   I will be asking my oncologist if there is anything I can do for them.

This last cycle was tough.  Side effects were definitely not fun but the scary part was that on day 7 I started running a fever. I was not really high by normal standards - it ran up to 100.8 - but for someone with a compromised immune system, I needed to call the doctor.  I was told to come in, found out I had lost 13 pounds in that 7 days ( but I have already gained most of it back again), got a prescription for an antibiotic and spent about 2 hours getting some IV fluids.  The fever went down to around 100, which was OK with the doctor, and the weakness improved.  I really didn't start to feel better or get an appetite or taste back until day 11 and the last week has been good.  I even went into work at St. Tims for about 4 hours last week which felt really good.

Mike was able to go to Seattle 2 weeks ago and saw Matt is The Music Man twice.  Mike tells me that the play was great but Matt, especially, was fantastic.  His quartet got one on the bigger cheers of the curtain call and they did a superb job. Bravo, Matt!  Mike also went out with Matt and Stephanie for a combined birthday dinner (Mike is September 22 and Matt is October 2) at Tropea in Redmond.  Tropea is the best Italian restaurant we have ever been to and even though I was at home in PA and had no appetite at the time, I had to hear the details of the great meal they had.

Nancy being here this week is so good for me.  She is an incredible sister and my best friend (other than Mike :) ).  It is a great distraction from all the crappy stuff to have her here and it is so nice for Mike that he will get this chemo day off since she is taking me tomorrow.  What I love is that we don't have to do anything for the rest of the week but sit and watch TV together but it makes me feel so good.

During the worst of the cycle, it is hard to keep the good outlook. I so want to quit the chemo but then things turn around and I start to feel better.  If they didn't, it would be so hard to go back to the oncologist tomorrow and start the cycle again.  Feeling good before each infusion is so important.  It is as if God is propping me up and getting me so ready to move forward and do what I need to do.  Thanks be to God!

2 Down, 4 to Go...and a Life Lesson

It is a quiet Sunday morning.  I received my second chemotherapy infusion last Monday.  With some new strategies from the oncologist, I have been able to avoid most of the intestinal issues this time, but the fatigue and weakness is even greater that before.  I understand this is normal...that it can be cumulative during the course of the chemo.  If being tired is the worst of it, it is so manageable.  "Vegging out" on the couch is not too tough to take :)  What isn't fun is the taste changes...it is difficult to have everything, even water, taste really "off."  I am drinking water though and some Italian ices and the weight that is falling off now will be back next week when I get my taste and appetite back.

Mike is in Seattle visiting Matt this weekend.  Matt is performing in a production of "The Music Man" put on by Seattle's Lyric Light Opera. He, along with his barbershop quartet, are featured as the school board and, from all reports, are getting huge responses from the audience!!  When Matt was cast is the musical, we had all planned to go out to see the play but flying is not really a good idea for me right now.  So Mike is representing Matt's parental unit at the play.  I am waiting his morning to hear what Mike's reaction to last night's performance was... and I am so jealous that I was not able to be on this trip :(  But I have a feeling that this will not be Matt's last musical!  Maybe next time.

This last week also marked the start of my needing to wear my wig.  At the moment, my hair is at that point of the scary lady in the horror movies - I have about 10% left, sticking out at all angles.  My wig, however, is not bad to look at.  It doesn't feel great, but it does look pretty good - probably better that my normal hairstyle would be :)

The lesson I learned this week, and it is a big one, is to make sure to get all the medical screenings that your doctor recommends for you.  I have always had my mammograms on time and my cancer was found on a routine mammogram, not being felt at all and it is stage 1 and very treatable.  This past Monday, I shared my chemo room with a very nice lady, probably about the same age as me.  She also had breast cancer, getting the same treatment as me but she was stage 4.  She had not seen her doctor regularly and had not been getting mammograms when recommended.  She was not diagnosed until she had symptoms from the metastatic brain lesions that had come from her breast cancer.  She told me she was incurable.  I hope she is wrong about that but she will undoubtedly have a much harder time than I will.  Get your mammograms, and colonoscopies and whatever other screening tests that your doctor recommends.  The discomfort of those tests is NOTHING compared to the treatment for the cancer that might be hiding!!  Sorry for getting on my soapbox but I do feel strongly about it!!

This 2nd round of chemo is so much easier because I know that in the next week I will be feeling so much better.  It really is the unknown that is the scariest.  And I am not really scared at all.  As a matter of fact, I am anxious to receive each chemo - it gets me one closer to the end of the treatment and I know that, with God's grip firmly on me and the love and support of everyone, I can handle this - no problem!

Day16 - and Feeling Good...for Today!

Today is September 28, day 16 of my first chemo cycle.  I am feeling almost normal and have for the last few days.  Just more fatigued than usual but otherwise good.  And I am enjoying it.  I am enjoying tasting food again, being able to eat it and not have it run right through me.  The intestinal issue continued until last Friday.  Imodium didn't help and a prescription for Lomotil helped only a little.  On Friday evening, after reading lots of info on the Internet, I decided to start taking a probiotic, specificly Lactobacillus GG. Whether it was the probiotic or just the issue running its course, I felt much better by the weekend!  Yeah!!  I am continuing to take the probiotic and am hoping (a lot) that it will help during my next chemo cycle. 

This whole process has been fascinating.  Before the first chemotherapy infusion I didn't know what to expect.  I had been told what the likely side effects would be, but I didn't know which, if any,would happen.  Now, going into the second infusion, I don't have the fear of the unknown.  Now it is the fear of what I know will likely happen.  But, after Monday, I will be 1/3 of the way through the tough part of the chemo.  And that is great!

The most visible side effect of the chemo is the hair loss - and it is starting.  As I sat on the couch this weekend just absent-mindedly running my fingers through my hair, I realized that lots of strands were coming out in my hands.  As I would style it the last few mornings, more and more was coming out in my hands.  I can still style my hair to look somewhat decent but not much longer.  I hope I am ready for this but, whether or not I am doesn't really matter.  The hair is coming out and I will soon be using the wig that is waiting on my dressser.  I am trying to be positive - it is much easier and quicker to put on a wig than to style my fine straight hair.  But I am sure there will be some tears as well - it is strange how attached we women get to our hair.

When I left my job at St. Tim's I thought "Wow, during most of the next few months I will probably feel good and look at all the projects I can get done around the house!"  Not so much!!  The fatigue is more than I thought it would be and I am finding it hard to get my head into those projects.  But that is okay - the projects will be here when the chemo is done and I will be able to attack them with renewed gusto!

Matt opened in "The Music Man" last weekend at the Lyric Light Operea in the Seattle area.  He, along with his barbarshop quartet, are playing the school board and, from all reports, are doing a fantastic job!  I had so wanted to get out to Seattle to see him in the play but it is not going to happen.  But Mike is going out for the second weekend in October.  I am thrilled that he is able to go and am looking forward to a detailed report on the performances.

I am anxious for the next chemo to start - the sooner I get to each infusion, the sooner they will be done.  And I am realizing that though the side effects are not fun at all, they are totally manageable and, with the support I get from Mike, my boys and wonderful "daughter", my exceptional sister and everyone who is praying for me, I am more than fine - I am great - for today at least :)  and that's all I can ask for.

One Down, Five to Go...and they suck!!

Today is day 8 of my first cycle of chemo.  This has been a humbling experience.  Those innocuous bags of clear liquid that were streamed into my body on September 12th looked harmless enough.  And for the first 24 hours it seemed that all would be fine. Tuesday afternoon I felt like I had been hit by a truck of fatigue - not normal "I've been busy" tiredness but an extreme version.  At that point I thought "I can handle this, I can just take it easy and wait a few days for this to pass, this is not so bad."  I thought I was just too tired to eat, not nauseous at all.  However, everything tastes "weird", can't really describe how, not the metallic taste I read about but nothing tastes right.  And then, on Wednesday, the gastric stuff started.  I felt like I had been punched in the lower abdomen and just hurt all the time.  And the runs began... and kept going and going.  I could not eat and, if I tried, it just went right through.  By yesterday I headed back to Dr. Andrews office and saw the nurse/practitioner.  The scale showed that I had lost 11 pounds in the 7 days since my infusion.Blood counts were done and, as expected, my white blood count is extremely low.  But this is to be expected.  The shot of Neulasta that I had last Tuesday will kick in and take care of that. I was told to just take lots of Imodium - that should take care of it.  It didn't.  This evening I got a prescription for Lomotil, hopefully this will help.  My fatigue is improving and if my intestines would just quiet down, I really wouldn't feel so bad.

What I am having a problem with is that I am anticipating the same reaction to each of the next 5 treatments.  I am hoping that there is some pre-medication that will help now that we know how I react.  Or maybe reactions change each time?? :)  I still have my hair - I was told it would be 2-3 weeks before it would start coming out.  I am realistic about it and hope I am prepared.  But how prepared can you really be for something like that??

Today is September 20.  If the remainder of my treatments are able to stay on schedule, my last TCH should be December 26.  That is only a little more that 3 months!!  Sounds so much better than 4 months! :)  It gets harder to remember but I can do anything for 3 months!! :)  With God, my family and friends, with all their love and support, I really have nothing to complain about.  Just visit an oncologist's office to get some perspective on what you think are your big problems.

Important: Thursday, September 22, is my wonderful husband Mike's 60th birthday.  As you may imagine, there is no party or big dinner planned.  And he doesn't care.  He tells me all he wants for his birthday is for me to feel better.  I know that I have mentioned how wonderful he has been with all of this but it can't come close to explaining what a wonderful man he is.  I have known Mike for 44 years.  We have grown up together.  We have been married for 38 years and,as you can imagine, there have definitely been ups and downs.  But Mike is my rock.  The place I feel safest in the world is in his arms when he hugs me.  As I type this, wrapped on the couch in a blanket, he is cleaning up the kitchen from dinner, loading the dryer, after working all day and then picking up my Rx.  Later he will call his mom, which he does most every night, just to touch base.  He is not only a fantastic husband, but a stellar son as well!  Sorry Mike for embarrassing you but I had to say it!! <3

As I have said before, I am keeping this blog for myself, to try and remember this journey.  In doing that, I have to be honest with how I feel at the moment, even if it is not great.  That doesn't mean that my attitude is down - I work hard at trying to stay positive.  Knowing that I continue to be in God's grip reassures me that all will be well.

Tomorrow Scares Me...

Tomorrow morning I will have the first of the 6 infusions of TCH.  It is expected to take at least 5 hours.  I don't know how I will feel - either tomorrow or in the next 3 weeks - until the next infusion.  That unknown factor is tough - reading the message boards makes it sound awful but then again, I tend to believe that it is those with the biggest problems that seek out and post on those message boards.  The literature on TCH lists a host of "common" side effects, some more onerous than others.  Will I be effected by those? I don't know.  I am really trying to keep an upbeat attitude - I know I will lose my hair and have some aches and pains " - probably nothing else (I hope :) ).

Mike is going with me to the oncologist tomorrow and will stay with me for the whole 5 hours - he is sooooo fantastic!!!  As I have said before, I don't think I could have gotten through the last 2 months as well as I have without him.  Today after church, we visited our local casino.  We left donations at both places.:)  Then we went out to our favorite restaurant, Applebees, for a great lunch.  Hopefully it won't be too long before I feel like another great lunch at Applebees.

The last week and a half have been interesting and quiet.  On Friday, September 2nd I had a medi-port placed in my upper chest.  It is under the skin but can definitely be felt.  It will make the infusions much easier, preventing my veins from getting "burned" by the chemotherapy drugs.  The procedure at the hospital was easy and Mike and I were home by 1pm.  Last weekend was quiet - I was back at church for the first time since my mastectomy and I was really overwhelmed by the amount of love and hugs I received.  This is so much a part of what keeps me calm and happy!  Tuesday I had an appointment with my "other oncologist" - Dr. Misas, a gynecological oncologist who performed my hysterectomy in 2008 and who I continue to see every 6 months for follow-ups.  Everything was good -I really needed to hear that :)  I also had a fitting for my regular breast prosthesis - trying them on with my clothes made me feel more "normal" - like what i looked like before August 18th.  It was kind of fun trying to decide how "voluptuous" I wanted to be but I settled on something close to my pre-surgical size.  The rest of the week was spent doing laundry and ironing, cleaning the house, food shopping and overall just getting organized for the unknown that will come tomorrow.

I cannot forget that today is September 11. 2011 - the 10th anniversary of the horrific attack.   A childhood neighbor of Mike's was killed. He was FDNY, as was his older brother who eventually found his body.  Being former New Yorkers and being old enough to remember when the towers were first built, it was weird and so very sad the first time we went to Staten Island and saw the skyline of lower Manhattan without the towers.  It is incomprehensible to me to think of all those that died on that day, either the innocents caught in the chaos or the true heroes that ran into those buildings to save others.  A tragedy of that magnitude can really put things in your life in perspective - I have breast cancer, had surgery, will have chemo (which will end) and that sucks.  But is NOTHING like what the families of the 9/11 victims have gone through.  And honestly, it is nothing like the soldiers stationed in Afghanistan for a year at a time (and sometimes repeatedly) and their families go through as they fight for out freedom and safety.  My nephew-in-law is stationed in Afghanistan.  He and my niece married on 1/15/11, he left a few days later for more training and he deployed in April.  They have never had the time to be newlyweds and now she stays busy as she worries and waits for Jamie to come home in February.  How can I complain about 4 months of some sucky stuff - I can't!!

As I say in most of my posts. it is my strong faith in the Lord and the knowledge that I am "in his grip" that gives me comfort and peace.  And I know the Lord is with Jamie in Afghanistan and Erica, my niece, as she waits for him.  We all can be comforted by that knowledge - a saying I have often read on those cute little plaques in the gift stores is "Lord, there in nothing you and I can't handle together."  So true!!!

Drains Out, Port In...

It has been over a week since I last posted.  It has been a week of healing from the surgery and a week of activity.

On Wednesday, August 24, I met with Margie, my oncology nurse at Andrews and Patel.  We spoke for quite a while about the drugs I will be receiving and their potential side-effects.  I will be receiving taxatere, carboplatin and Herceptin every 3 weeks for six sessions and will continue the Herceptin every three weeks for the rest of a year.  The taxatere and carboplatin will have the effects that are expected - most notably hair loss, probably in 2-3 weeks.  One of the other things I did this week was to order a few wigs - in various shades and styles - so I can see which one will work best.  The Herceptin can possibly cause temporary heart issues so, on Friday, I had a MUGA scan.  This was an interesting test - a tube of my own blood was taken, mixed with a radioactive substance and put back in me.  My heart was then imaged for about 30 minutes to see if it is pumping correctly.  I will have this test every 3 months while I am receiving the Herceptin.

When I got home from my appointment with Margie, I read through all the material she had given to me.  I learned that I should have my dental cleaning before i started chemo, so I went to the dentist on Thursday.  I learned that the chemo can effect the results of a PAP so I have an appointment with my gynecological oncologist for my 6 month check-up next Tuesday.  I had blood drawn for a CA-125 for this appointment last Thursday.

During this time, I have still had 2 drains from my surgery.  They really are annoying and make me feel some some sort of an alien. Last Friday, after the MUGA scan, I had to see my surgeon's nurse because one drain was clogged and had begun to leak.  Fun, Fun!!!

Also during this "calm" week, Mike noticed a nasty looking spot on my back that reminded him of the melanoma I had 15 years ago.  Not too scary :)!!   Yesterday, I saw my dermatologist who removed it and reassured me that it was just a cyst.  Oh, and by the way, my car was rear-ended as I was going to the derm.  I was stopped and the other car was going too fast and didn't stop in time.  Details were exchanged, insurance companies were contacted and my car was dropped off for repairs today.  It was quite a week!!!

This morning, I finally saw my surgeon and had the drains removed - yeah!!!  Didn't hurt anywhere near as much as I had been told it might. I also was scheduled for a minor surgical procedure -the insertion of a Mediport - which will happen this Friday morning.  My first chemo infusion will be on Monday, September 12 and will take about 5 hours - I need to remember to bring a snack and beverage:).

It has been a busy and stressful week.  But through it all, God's grace and love have always been with me.  I have received calls and cards from soooo many people - a constant reminder of all the love and prayers.  It has been truly humbling.  And family has been great - available to just "talk" when that is exactly what I need.  And then there is Mike - I really can't write how important he is to me in all this.  Whether it is going to the doctor with me,reassuring me that my scars aren't horrible (they are), encouraging me to rest, doing household chores or just playing a card game called Cutthroat, Mike has been my rock.  It is interesting that after 38 years, I am more in love with him that I have ever been.

Next week should be fairly quiet.  A chance to continue to heal from the surgery and to mentally prepare for the chemotherapy. Like I've written before, it will be a "sucky" 4 months and then it should improve.  Anything is manageable for 4 months.  And with the support of friends, family and my Heavenly Father, I can handle anything.

Next Step - Chemotherapy

It is Tuesday, August 23rd.  5 days post mastectomy. I am doing better than I thought I would be at this point.  I feel like I've been hit in the chest with a 2x4 and the drains are a uncomfortable nuisance but overall, I feel pretty good.  Can totally move my arms - most important so that I can style my hair :) Wearing a post-surgical bra with little fiberfill pads for boobs.  But it is funny how your brain adjusts - looking at my chest is not pretty but I really don't miss my breasts.  Maybe I will later, but right now, in the middle of this storm, they don't seem very important.

I met with the oncologist today to see where I go from here.  Good news - the cancer is 1.8cm and the node was negative - this leads to the cancer being Stage 1.  Yeah!!  The bummer - because the cells were High Grade (8 out of 9) and the HER2 was positive (3.3), he did recommend a course of chemotherapy.  I was actually glad to hear this - I want that "insurance policy". I will be having TCH (don't ask me the names of the T and the C; the H is for Herceptin - a relatively new drug that has proved to be very effective with the HER2 + cancers.  I will have 6 courses of the TCH, 3 weeks apart and then continue the Herceptin alone every 3 weeks for a total of 12 months.  The TCH has the side effects you might expect - the one we all focus on is the hair loss.  I only hope that when it comes back next year it will be thick and maybe curly.  The Herceptin's side effect could be some cardiac issues so I will be monitored for that on a regular basis. 

I see my surgeon, Dr. Soto-Hamlin, next Wednesday, August 31st for my post-surgical check.  I will be talking with her about putting a medi-port in my chest.  This will make the chemo infusions easier to administer.  Dr. Andrews, my oncologist, said he could start the chemo in as little as 2 weeks; however it will wait until I heal enough to get the port.

All of this is a little overwhelming, to put it mildly.  It is not something I ever thought I would have to go through.  But it is temporary - I can deal with anything that is temporary.  I am focusing on dealing with the chemo and the side effects as a temporary, really sucky experience :)  But I have such tremendous support - from Mike, Matt, Nancy, Scott (as he can), my wonderful family (especially my breast cancer survivor sisters-in-law), friends and my church family.  I have been truly overwhelmed by the cards,calls and well wishes from everyone.  Don't ever underestimate the power of those cards, calls and especially prayers.  They mean the world to me and, I am sure, whoever else you happen to be sending them to.  Thank you!

Praise the Lord! The Node is Negative!

It's Friday afternoon. I got home from the hospital a few hours ago, feeling much better than I ever thought I would.  My surgery yesterday went smoothly and the really good news was that the sentinel node was negative, indicating that the cancer has not spread into my lymph nodes and, hopefully, no where else.  I will meet with Dr. Andrews, the oncologist, on Tuesday. I will likely still need the course of chemo that I was expecting, due to the pathology of the cells but, as my sister Nancy said, now it seems more like insurance that life-saving.  I guess I'll learn more about all this on Tuesday.  Right now, along with the rest of my family, I am really relieved that the node was negative.

I really could feel God's presence with me these last couple of days.  Yesterday morning before the surgery was tough.  Getting dressed to go to the hospital, I knew this was the last time I would have these breasts.  I was really sad about that then but today, looking at my incisions, really ugly incisions and drains, I have a real peace about it all.  I know that comes from my Lord. 

About the surgery itself, I can't really report anything - I was asleep.  Before the surgery, I proved to be really difficult with the IV.  It took 5 sticks in 5 different spots on my right arm before they were able to get it established.  Held up the whole OR. Oh well :).  Following the surgery, the discomfort was much less that I expected, maybe a 4 on the 1-10 scale.  By dinner, it was a 2-3.  And I had no problems from the anesthesia - no nausea or dizziness.  Mike and I had a great dinner in my very nice private room.  A pull-out chair/bed was brought in for Mike and he was able to spend the night with me.  That meant soooo much to me - knowing he was there with me.  We both slept relatively well for a hospital, not being bothered by the nursing staff very much at all.  This morning, before being discharged, my surgeon's nurse came in to discharge me and to teach me...and Mike, about taking care of the drains and incision.  Then I got dressed, putting on a post-mastectomy bra with a little fiberfill. Mike was with me when I got a really good look at my chest.  Not a pretty picture, but my wonderful husband didn't flinch, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.  I am a lucky woman!

The anticipation of all this is over.  The trip through the tunnel is moving along. And I have a real peace about it all.  I have wonderful family and friends around me, encouraging me and praying for me.  And those prayers really do work.  God's peace is with me now and I trust that it will stay with me for the rest of the trip.

And So It Begins....

Tomorrow is my surgery.  10AM.  I am dreading it and anxious for it at the same time.  It is actually tough to be sitting here this evening, feeling great, and realizing that I am having major surgery tomorrow and will not be feeling so well.  I am not really nervous about the surgery; I am more nervous about whether the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes and what the pathology report will say.  That will really determine what the next year will be like; what kind of treatment I wil have.

I got injected in the breast this aftenoon with a radioactive something that will indicate to my surgeon where my sentinel lymph node is and hopefully that node is cancer-free.  If not, she will have to remove more nodes and my treatment will be harder. That is the next test result Mike and I will be waiting for.

Today was my last day of work at St. Tim's.  Not fun...I love the people that I see and I truly appreciate all of the support and prayers that I have received.  I hope that will continue even though I am not working there.  I needed to have the job off my mind and be able to fully concentrate on getting well.

It is strange how much my world has changed in the last month.  On July 18th I had my annual screening mammogram.  On August 18th I will have a bilateral masectomy.  What a month!  It has not been fun - to put it mildly.  But I have also learned a lot about the wonderful people around me.  So many people have told me that they care and are praying for me. Many have offered food for the family, rides to doctors, cards, flowers,  and lots and lots of hugs!  If there could be a good side to this whole "cancer thing", it is that I have learned to receive the care and concern from others and how much it means to me...and to my family!  It really, really makes a huge differnce!

Mike will be with me tomorrow and Matt and Nancy will be on the phone.  I really do hate being the cause for their stress but I so appreciate their unwavering support and love.  Somehow, in this really difficult time, I have come to a new and greater appreciation for the people around me and I feel realy lucky!

One week to go...

My bilateral mastectomy is in 6 days.  The waiting is hard.  My sister asked if I was anxious to get on with it and I told her that is hard.  I feel fine...but I know I have a cancer in me that has to be dealt with.  So I will surgery to remove a part of my body that, to be honest, I really like. :)  Then the healing, the drains, the probable chemotherapy, the possible radiation, the waiting for the pathology reports...It is hard to be anxious for all this to begin.  But I know this is what I have to do.

A good piece of news this week was that the Breast MRI that I had last Friday did not show anything in my right breast - "no surprises" was the term the nurse used when she phoned me.  I'll take any good news where I can find it.

It has been interesting to kind of observe the process my thoughts have gone in this week.  I started the week speaking with the pastor and council president of the church where I work, letting them know that I really don't know how much I will be able to work for the foreseeable future.  Watching the wonderful people at St. Tim's try to figure out how the church business will continue while I am out.  On Tuesday, I had an appointment at the store where I will get my post-mastectomy bras and prostheses.  That was difficult - it really brought home what is going to happen to my body.  I have never been vain - being heavy all my life, my body was not my source of pride.  But it is my body and it will be drastically changing...and that is tough.  On Thursday, I met with a physical therapist to go over post-surgery exercises for movement and, more importantly, to try to avoid lymphedema, or swelling, on my left side.  This was good - it made me feel that there is something I can do to help myself.

This weekend Mike, Scott and I are heading in to Staten Island to spend some time with Mike's mom, his sister and her family and his brother and his family.  Both of my sisters-in-law are breast cancer survivors - one for 4 years and one for 10 years!  I think it will be good to be with them this weekend.

I am getting really scared about what lies ahead.  I have received cards and flowers with wonderful notes that remind me that I am in the prayers of many and that God is always with me.  This I know to be true!

"In His Grip"

It's Sunday evening, usually a favorite time, relaxing with Mike and Scott and planning for the week ahead.  I have a lot of stuff in my head tonight though.  My surgery is a week and a half away.  And this past Thursday afternoon, I received another piece of my pathology report from the biopsy - the cancer is HER2 positive.  This was not good news; from all the research I have done, this makes it a more aggressive cancer and one that seems to indicate that I will require a pretty strong course of chemotherapy. Obviously not  a happy thought :).  After praying about it and talking to Mike and Nancy at length, I met with my pastor and our council president to describe the situation and explain that I need to step away from the job.  My job is as the secretary at my church; a job that enables me to interact with wonderful people who are so supportive of me; a job that I'm good at.  But the job also cannot be done sporadically; there are weekly deadlines and I am a one person office.  It is not fair to the church to not do my best and, more importantly, I honestly can't have the stress and worry about getting things done on time in my head at this time.  The meeting went well - again showing me just how wonderful and supportive these people in my life are.  I will be spending the next week and a half getting things in the office as ready as possible for whoever will replace me.  I guess this is the first of what will probably be more losses in my life.

On the medical front, I had my pre-admission testing done, including blood work, EKG and an MRI.  This was my first MRI ever and an interesting  experience :).

This really is an interesting road I am traveling down; thoughts and feeling change and develop each day.  But I know God is always with me.  I received a card from a friend, telling me that I was in her thoughts and prayers.  But it was the way she signed the card that really spoke to my heart.  She signed it "In His grip,".  I received this card on Friday and I was feeling pretty low at the time.  "In His grip" was exactly what I needed to see.  The thought of not just being in God's care or in his hands, but rather "In His grip" is very comforting to me. I know He is holding onto me, giving me strength and comfort always.

And So the Ride Begins...

Since hearing the doctor tell me last Thursday that I have breast cancer, I have been anxiously awaiting today's appointment with the breast surgeon.  Dr. Soto-Hamlin is the best in the area.  She seems to be a very kind women,explaining everything very well and talking about all the options and their risks and benefits.  I had been doing my research as well and Mike and I have spoken at length.  In the end, I decided to have a bilateral mastectomy, removing both the left breast with cancer and the right breast.  The lymph nodes on the left side will be checked by injecting the area ahead of time with a dye and removing just the sentinel node.  If the sentinel node, or "gate keeper node" shows no sign of cancer, she will not have to remove any further nodes, decreasing the likelihood of post-surgical lymphedema, or swelling. 

After seeing Dr. Soto-Hamlin and speaking with her for probably an hour, Mike and I met with the surgical coordinator.  She was able to schedule the surgery for Thursday, August 18th.  I am happy it is so soon.  I much prefer moving down this road quickly, not waiting for the next step for too long.  Jeanne, the coordinator, spoke about the variety of other appointments I should be having, (also scheduled for the next week or so), and answered lots of the questions I have about the recovery process.  I found it incredible that a surgery that seems so huge actually only requires an overnight hospital stay.   Further appointments were made for a pre-surgical physical therapy consult, a post-surgical medical oncology consult, a pre-surgical  MRI, blood work and an EKG  Wow!!

That's a lot of medical information for one day.  Mike and I are tired this evening - lots of anxiety for the past week and an overload of information.  But we are a team and no women could ask for a better or more supportive husband.  And of course, my best friend, my sister Nancy, is the one that I call any time at all and is ALWAYS there for me!  My two sisters- in- law, both breast cancer survivors themselves, are welcoming  me into that "Pink Ribbon Club." Not a group I really ever wanted to join but they are both such incredible, strong women!!

Thinking about losing both breasts in a couple weeks makes me sad.  I know it is the right thing to do and it will give me a much greater peace of mind. But I will miss them.  They are so much the outward sign of femininity.  But I will still be me, the same strong, smart woman I have always been.  And I am learning, and I am sure, will continue to learn, how many people I have supporting me...and Mike as we continue down this road.

Just a Ordinary Monday...

I have always had my routine screening mammograms on time, once a year.  I am especially conscious of doing this since I have had two previous encounters with cancer - in 1996 I had a malignant melanoma on my back.  It was removed, wider surgery was done to make sure it was all gone and I received the good news that it was all gone, having been caught very early.  In 2008, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer - Stage 1b.  I had a complete hysterectomy, including my ovaries and lymph node dissection.  No further treatment was necessary.  I just return for a follow-up every six months.  Going to these visits has been the only reminder that I am a cancer survivor.

Things change...on Monday, July 18, I had my routine screening mammogram.  The next day, a nurse called and told me that there was something on the film that had to be rechecked and that it was probably nothing.  Still gets one nervous though.  I had the repeat mammogram of the left breast on Wednesday; after looking at it the radiologist recommended an ultrasound exam.  After the ultrasound, the radiologist recommended a stereo tactic needle biopsy.  Talk about being nervous.  Each step in this process, though very necessary, began a very scary trip.  My wonderful husband, Mike, was in the waiting room on this Wednesday, expecting the repeat exam to take 10-15 minutes and it wound up taking about 1 1/2 hours.  Got his nerves on edge for sure.

Monday, July 25, was the biopsy date.  The team at Holy Spirit Outpatient Radiology was wonderful, especially the breast care coordinator, Karen.  The actual procedure was not bad at all, but I was surprised that an ultrasound was done immediately following the biopsy.  Trying to "read" the tech, the radiologist and Karen, I was getting the "vibe" that the results were not going to be good.  Again, Mike was waiting for me in the waiting room, a very wonderful welcome face when I came out.

My appointment to get the results was at 10 am on Thursday, July 28.  Karen and a very kind radiologist gave me my reports and gently explained that it was cancer.  Such a scary word... and for the third time. I had been telling Mike that I must just have cells that like to go "wonky."  My appointment with the surgeon, Dr. Soto-Hamlin will be in 2 days, on Wednesday, August 3.  I hope to get some answers and direction for the next part of this road. 

I have had cancer twice before. I know that it is not necessarily a death sentence. I am trying to look at this third cancer as just another hurdle to get through.  But i am scared.  Of the surgery ... and what kind it will be.  Of what kind of further treatment, if any I will need.  Of whether this will come back again.  Of whether this will shorten my life.  I have limited my Internet research...it can just really feed these fears.

In the past, when someone would ask how things were going or what was new, my answer would always be "Life is boring and this is good."  I loved my boring life. I guess life will not be boring for a while.

I am writing this blog because it is important to me that I keep a record of what is happening.  And because it is easier to write how I feel than to say it.

I have the best husband and family!   Mike and I always say we are a great team but it is in these difficult times when that really comes through. 

I know God is with me.  My prayer is for peace with all this, for guidance, for His comforting presence.  No matter how this trip goes, I am never alone.