I haven't blogged in almost 3 weeks - one entire cycle. I am firmly entrenched in the midst of the chemotherapy. It feels like it has been going on forever and yet I have just passed the mid-point. And it is really affecting me at this point. The physical side effects are always there - the bad taste that makes eating anything extremely difficult that lasts from day 2 to day 12; the intestinal issues and pain and diarrhea that last for over 2 weeks each cycle, the fatigue that just gets worse and worse, the hair loss that still shocks me each time I pass a mirror, the constantly runny eyes and nose (which now has become a bloody nose) and most recently the loss of my eyelashes. I can't wear make-up anymore because it make my runny eyes even worse. And I hate wearing a wig - even though everyone tells me it looks good, I feel very self-conscious in it. And of course the "fake boobs" are heavy and not the most comfortable item to wear either.
When I had infusion #3 on October 24th, my blood work showed that my hemoglobin was very low, making me quite anemic. Knowing that future infusions would probably make this worse, I was sent for a transfusion. On Thursday, October 27th, I was at Holy Spirit Hospital for 6 hours to receive 2 units of packed red blood cells. My wonderful sister Nancy was with me the whole time. My blood was checked a few days later and the hemoglobin was in the normal range. I wonder if this will happen again before I finish the chemo.
Nancy's visit ended with the surprise October snowstorm. She was scheduled to fly out of Baltimore on Saturday morning but, with the forecast of 6-10 inched of snow, she changed her ticket Friday morning and flew home Friday night. I had a great time with her!
This is the end of my "good week" but it is not as good a week as the last cycle and I suspect that will be the case next time. I am having a harder and harder time keeping a positive outlook and have definitely been having a "pity party" for myself. I have had more tears this week than I have had this whole time. I wonder if this "funk" that I feel is somewhat normal for this point in the process - enough chemo to feel really crappy but still pretty far from the end.
Monday is my 4th TCH infusion. I know enough now to be able to plan out my time based on how I will probably feel. Mike, my "rock", will be with me and that makes it so much less stressful. I realized this weekend that I feel better - and calmer - with Mike at home. Not feeling great for so long has me feeling very vulnerable. With Mike here, I am so much more comfortable. Reminding myself that I am in God's grip is also a constant for me - and brings peace to me even in the midst of a "pity party."
Note: As I said when I started writing this blog, I siad that it was primarily for me - trying to keep track of this journey through breast cancer. I realize that this posting is more of a downer than others but that is where I am right now and I want to stay true to my purpose.
